Troll 2 is widely considered to be one of three things: A) The worst film of all time; B) The best bad film of all time; or C) Yes.
I affectionately choose yes.
Though this would usually be a review to post on my YouTube channel (you can find the link on the About page), it's also one of those movies every YouTuber and their mother has already reviewed. Of course that same sentiment can be carried over to bloggers, but I feel like a written review is better suited for this classic piece of schlock cinema.
This is usually the part of the article where I would give credit to the writers, directors, and actors of a film, but I'm going to skip that part for now and just go right into the story. I do this on account of the deep shame that could be heaped upon the filmmakers and their so-called work of art.
Troll 2 is the story of a young kid--whose name I don't remember because I care that little about him--and his family who are involved in some kind of house-swapping program with a family of country bumpkins. I use the phrase "country bumpkins", by the way, to the extreme; considering I'm actually a resident of the country, I think I have the right to call a spade a spade. But I digress.
The family switches houses with the hicks just as their youngest son starts to see visions of his dead grandfather--rather badly acted visions at that. As the suburban idiots travel to their new temporary home, grandpa's ghost warns the kid--whose name I now recall is Joshua--to turn back from the town of Nilbog (look at it in a mirror), as it is populated solely by vegetarian goblins who want to turn the family into plants.
Sound good to you? Of course it doesn't.
Okay, as for my impressions: this is a piece of garbage. From the very outset the audience is thrust into the middle of a story Casper the friendly Grampa is telling little Josh, and it's absolutely the most jarring moment I've ever experienced in film. There are no opening credits; instead we just see this blonde fella dressed as Peter Pan--his name is Peter, by the way--walking through the woods narrated by Ghoulie Grandpappy's voice. And what a voice it is! So devoid of character; so middle school drama club-ish; so hilariously bad!
Also, from the outset we're told the title is a lie. These little people in suits aren't even trolls; in case you didn't pick up on it in the synopsis, they're goblins.
Past the opening we have terrible cinematography showing us around to the family and all the characters--some of the worst-acted and most vacuous people I've ever seen on celluloid.
Then there's the effects. For the love of Tom Savini, couldn't they get anything right out of this whole experience? Even some of the worst horror films of all time have decent effects for their time (I'm looking at you, Children of the Corn III), but Troll 2's makeup effects consist of only two ingredients: green slime and dollar store tree adhesives. And the costumes? Some of the worst rubber suits this side of Godzilla.
So do I recommend it? Absolutely.
Why? Why, after all this flaming, bashing hatred, would I say that anyone should ever endure this travesty? Because it's so vacuous, so wrong, so mind-numbingly stupid, that one cannot remove his or her eyes from the screen.
That rests, I think, mainly on the writing. Though the acting, cinematography, editing, music, effects, sound design, et al are so blood-curdlingly bad, the writing shines above all else as the most entertaining aspect. The dialogue is horrid, something I may have written as a twelve year-old after reading Shakespeare for preparation. The characters make the worst choices imaginable. The plot is more scattered than a politician's common sense. It is simply the worst script I've ever experienced.
To end a near-rant, Troll 2 is, to me, the McRib of cinema: an amalgam of weird stuff that should never have come together, and whose origin only satan himself might know; but ever so wonderfully and terribly tasty. If any of my readers have yet to see this...thing...I urge you immediately to seek it out and watch it. This is an experience of which no human being should deprive him or herself. If you have seen Troll 2, sound off in the comments of the page, on FaceBook, or on Twitter--I await the results with bated breath.
Keep on scaaaaareamin', blog-readers, and, in the immortal words of Joshua, "Concentrate Harder!"....... Times one thousand.